I will never regret keeping you close.
I will never regret holding you while you sleep, nursing you whenever you need it— for food, for comfort, to help you fall asleep— or bringing you to our bed.
We started bed sharing accidentally. For the first few months of your life, you slept in your own space until the early morning, when we’d bring you to bed to sleep on our chests. We could all relax in one another’s arms, and the best part of my day was waking up to your little hand holding your dad’s or your head tucked perfectly under my chin.
Then we were traveling and there were two other babies in the house who were sleeping through the night. In my effort to not wake them, I brought you to my bed and spent the night curled around your tiny body. I thought to myself— I’d do this all the time if it weren’t going to be so hard to quit one day in the future. But then we slept another night like that. And another. And soon you were calling for me from your crib, asking me to join you in the warmth of our family bed.
And I continued to bring you to the safety of my arms and learn from you. You have taught me the most invaluable lesson of my life in your short 9 months, my darling.
Presence.
You made me present in answering the question— What will get us all the most sleep tonight? And you have made me present by remembering to parent the child I have now from a place of love, not the child I may one day have out of fear. I try not to make fear based decisions in any part of my life, so why would this be any different? Worries are a decision that something in the future is more important than actual life, this present moment. What a waste to have worried when I have these moments with you, my baby!
I’m sure whenever one of us is ready to shift our systems there will be growing pains, but I don’t fear that challenge. Instead I choose relish in my time holding you close. I know babies don’t keep.
Your dad and I love sleeping next to you and waking up to your smiling face and chatter. We love going to bed reading with your little hands outstretched in ours. We love feeling you reach for us as you rest your head on our shoulders. I love when you learn a new skill and I see you practice it in your sleep, like how you quietly clap while we nurse. Being your safe space is the greatest privilege of my life, little one.
Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes you need a lot of support throughout the night and we don’t sleep as much as we’d like to. Sometimes I don’t want to go to bed at 9 when you call for me, and sometimes I don’t want to wake up at 530 when you call for our dog. But ease and comfort aren’t what make our lives rich, and more often than not we all enter our days well rested with full hearts.
Jake saw a friend the other day with a 19 year old daughter. When he asked how the daughter is doing, the mother sighed and told Jake that we need to treasure every second of our children needing and wanting us as much as they do. Snuggle them, hug them, bring them to your bed. I know babies don’t keep.
We are in the good old days right now, and they are the best days of my life to date. I love you so much, my baby.