the timing is never right

I’m studying for the ACT, a standardized test used for college admission. Yes, I am turning 29 in just a few weeks. Yes, I matriculated a four year college when I was 18. No, I don’t plan on getting another bachelor’s degree.

I’ve now convinced multiple people that I’m dissatisfied with my score from high school and have decided to take it again. It’s awesome. I’m met with scrunched eyebrows and fake smiles (does she need to talk to someone?!), and I sense a new distrust in my judgment.

But I’m not studying for the ACT to take it myself. I’m studying for it to tutor high schoolers. It’s scary. What do I charge? How can they trust me? I was an SAT kid who never even took the ACT… how am I an authority? Can I guarantee an improvement in score? Can I guarantee anything?

The timing’s not right— we now have a mortgage, I want to save money to have a family (in twelve years), I am getting all of the NOLS work that I want for the first time in my career. But will the timing ever be right? I don’t think so. I don’t believe there will be a time when I feel less scared— scared of failure, scared to move on from life as I know it. The heaviness I feel in my belly will always be there. And I’ll always be able to come up with reasons to avoid taking a chance.

Here I go! And I got my first client today. If a woman I’ve never met trusts me to help her daughter, I can trust myself too.